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After all, I have always taken my time on the toilet. In the waiting room for a colorectal surgeon, that remains the case. Apparently my self-diagnosis was absolutely correct. This news strengthens my hypothesis that I am right about 95 percent of the time.♦◊♦We go into the actual room where the magic happens.

Reading the entire series on the toilet—twice—was probably not entirely responsible. In other doctors’ offices, you aren’t sure what condition each person is suffering from.

But in fact, experts don’t know where hemorrhoids come from. I had not expected that Transformers would play a role in my butt-health crisis.

I ask him, giggling, if he’s at least going to take me to dinner first. And the person I am today is a person with hemorrhoids. They’re conspicuous, but, in the end, easy to take care of. Mostly, people are sitting with no visible discomfort except that which comes with being elderly. The doctor fiddles with something and with several mechanical whirrs, the bench rises about a foot and dips forward.

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At a place like that, you shouldn’t have to go through that kind of trouble. There is no waiting room like the one for a colorectal surgeon.

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It often occurred to me to go to a doctor, but by the time I would get off the toilet, the urgency had subsided. I was dating at the time, and because there was no chance in hell that I was going to explain to my dates what was going on, I would surreptitiously remove the paper seconds before sex. I found a colorectal surgeon, a Jew (which is how I pick my doctors in a city that has too many) named Stephen Brandeis. I go to the check-in area and have a half-hour argument with the woman behind the desk about whether I have a referral. We know what you’ve been through.”I finally make it to the waiting room.

I started sleeping with folded-up toilet paper against my butthole. I had to go to a colorectal surgeon, and I had to go now. There is a downstairs check-in area and an upstairs waiting room.

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