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Where the truth comes out and it’s not the slightest bit pretty, or inspirational, or even positive. It’s also a truth I have kept to myself because of its ugliness. Convinced the person telling me that HAD to be mistaken. If I choose to let in the darkness and the sadness and the REALNESS…won’t I sink in it? I think I’m starting to come to a better understanding of why…but for the moment, it’s still just shadowed and blurry truth that I’m struggling to make sense of. A few years ago I felt like I could simply walk into a room and command the attention of the men in the room. I suspect it was more an internal change than an external one, as I honestly think I physically look better now than I did ten years ago. If I don’t look for the silver lining…what is the purpose to the bad things that happen?! The truth is…I don’t know exactly why I’m still single. But something changed along the way and that’s not my experience anymore.” But the truth is…sometimes I think the reason I’m still single is because I’m inherently flawed. I’m simply going to tell you that whatever your fears are about being single, you’re not alone. And life without both joy AND sadness is a life without balance. And I think it’s high time to march all of that loneliness and self doubt and fear into the light and stop hiding it away and acting like it doesn’t exist because to admit that it DOES exist is to admit vulnerability. And to go a step further…all of my great big ugly fears about what being single at age 36 says about me. I want to be that woman, but I’m not that woman yet. And that journey starts with this blog…with this moment of honesty that will hopefully be followed by lots more moments of honesty as I stop frantically searching for the silver lining of every situation and instead just learn to embrace the ugliness, the doubt, the uncertainty, the fear…as all a part of the journey. I personally think it’s a lot braver to talk about our doubts and fears instead of acting like everything’s perfect. It lends itself to loneliness and self doubt and fear. I will hand them their share of the blame, but I’ll take my share, too. “You just need more makeup, a thigh gap, more self love! “You just need more faith,” the Christian world says judgmentally. Just not in the cards for me.) I want with every single fiber of my being to be one of those self-assured, confident, bold women of God who knows exactly who she is in Christ and walks in the freedom of knowing how loved she is, how precious she is, how validated she is. And that’s not to say we should walk around like Eeyore all the time, feeling sorry for ourselves and playing the victim of our lives. But neither should we walk around like Tigger all the time…springing when we feel like sighing. Not dodging it or covering it up or glossing over it to make it look prettier and more pleasing so you can prop it up in the corner and not have to deal with it.Flirt texting can be done with someone you are just getting to know, a guy you are developing a relationship with, or a long-term partner to add some fun to your relationship.

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